Unresolved emotions are essentially poison. They lie underneath your cool exterior slowly festering then bubble up to the surface and turn everything murky grey. Exactly two days ago, I was overwhelmed with a sense of pride, satisfaction, joy and hope for the future. I’m in my best position so far financially; I got a few new toys and planning on getting a few more. I got a limited set of very good friends, I’m doing exactly what I want to do, how I want to do it. I’m actively pursuing long standing goals of mine. In short, I am happy, very happy. But yesterday and today I was depressed. I couldn’t figure it out for the life of me. I tried meditating a bit, I came to realise a few things, but nothing hit the core of the issue. I did recognize a resentment I had overlooked many times before. I was so busy resolving other issues and emotions that I never saw this specific issue…until now.
The 24 months between June 2009 and June 2011 have been the most intense months of my life thus far. In the space of 2 years, I have turned upside down almost everything that was stable in my immediate experience – school, faith, religion, relationships, friends, behaviours, beliefs, worldviews, etc. I have essentially broken down everything in my life held it up to scrutiny, discarded a lot, rearranged some and pick up a lot more. It has been an incredible journey, one I will write about soon. For most of those 2 years, I’ve felt truly alone. The very people I expected and have trusted my entire life to have the answers I sought could not even comprehend the experience I was in. I’ve watched friends and those dear to me slip out the back doors of my life because they could not understand or handle my journey, my change. I’ve felt alone and misunderstood. Admittedly I went on a self imposed exile and distanced myself from everything that made up my old life.
I recognized resentment against all these people. I’ve gone through my fires and come out much, much stronger, clearer with an understanding and view of things I could not have imagined two years ago. For all the grief and pain and stress and suicidal thoughts that came with the past two years, I’m still grateful for it. But my victory sometimes feels pyrrhic. I feel like a battle hardened warrior and as strong as I am, my scars are real, and they haunt me. So I resent them. All our emotions towards other people are really reflections of our emotions towards ourselves. I guess I really resent myself, or I resent God. I love God, I really do, more than anything or anyone else, I always have. Even when I was hurt and doubted and was mad at Her, I never stopped loving God. And She was there always…But I resent Her. It’s like that coach who puts you through excruciating pain and gruelling physical torture. You appreciate it after the fact, but there are undertones of resentment still. That’s how I feel. And I came to realise all this about two hours ago.
I was talking to my closest friend and she told me to take responsibility for my role, my part. I did play a huge role in how things went and are. I chose the fire, I chose to awaken, I chose to run, I chose to rebel, I chose to hurt people, I chose to hurt myself, I chose to fight, I chose to give up, I chose to not give in, I chose to forge a new path, I chose to leap into the unknown. I chose all that. Most importantly I chose to hold on to pain. And that pain comes up again and again, like the past two days.
So tonight, I chose different. I chose to let go. I chose to forgive myself for my role, I chose to forgive myself for the pain my road gave me. I wouldn’t trade the path, but I let go of the pain. I chose to forgive everyone I expected to understand or have the answers, we are all only human, I can’t demand much. I chose to forgive myself for walking away, for running, and I forgave all those who walked away as well. Tomorrow morning I will wake up and forgive again, and the next day and so on until I’m done. Right now, I feel clear, I feel peace, I feel love, and I can keep walking forward.