Love has been on my mind lately…
Who am I kidding? It crosses my mind a lot, I just push it to the back. Truth be told, I’m really not a fan of love. But, no matter how much I try, it’s always there..lingering, teasing me. So today, I’m gonna give in and blog about love.
What is it with humans and the incessant need to bond with another individual? To love and be loved. Must we indulge in this drug? What? It’s not enough that you don’t like yourself, you’ve gotta drag another person into your misery. Make them the centre of your world, abuse them, demand that they satisfy you, make you happy, make you feel wanted, loved…complete you. Really?….you are not fine by yourself?
There is silmutaneously something primal and something transcendent about love. The allure of love is great. We can’t resist the feelings, the emotion, the butterflies in gastric chambers, the entire shebang. The thrill, the pursuit, the conquest, the romance, the poetry of it all. Its pull is extremely strong, and yes, we experience some of the highest sensations in the process of falling and being in love. But, as we all know, love comes at a price. It demands everything, and when it’s all done…you’re done.
There cannot be love without hurt. There is no love without pain. If you love deeply, the cuts will slice right though into your soul. And given the nature of humanity right now, it’s not a matter of ‘if’….its a question of ‘when’. If it’s not betrayal, it would be an accumulation of resentments, small issues, neglect, etc.
Unless…we can learn to love apart from our ego. Learn to actually love purely without expectation, without obligation. Love without needing to possess, love without the need for reciprocation. Love pure. Give freely of our affection, attention and not need to get it back.
But what do I know? I’m just a random guy with random thoughts. I’m cool with caring, I’m cool with affection. But love? Real raw intense all out love. That shit is fuckin scary. I’ve been there before. It consumes you, makes you crazy. It throws all the rules out the window. It will make you feel intensely happy. But when it all goes south, it would keep you up all night sick to the stomach, thoughts racing, tossing in sweat soaked sheets. It will wrap its warm fingers around your neck and try to choke the life out of you, while you scramble for a bottle of booze, a knife or bottle of pills to end the torment.
Love is wonderful…the same way nuclear energy is wonderful. So much power, so much promise. But I feel like a faulty reactor, disaster is inevitable. So, when I see love coming, I don’t feel excited, I get scared shitless.