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I’m okay today…I’m calm, I’m focused, I’m not emotionally distressed, I’m not depressed. But I don’t know how long it would last. I tend to cycle…I’m okay now, but in two weeks or so, I might be depressed, sad and melancholy. It’s just the way it has been.

I remember stretches of melancholy as a teen in high school. I chuck that up to just general angst and adolesence..it was my way of dealing. By my second year of university, I spoke the words ‘I think I am depressed’ for the first time. I didn’t quite understand it, I was very sad for long periods of time. It mostly had to do with school, I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t engaged with the course I was studying. Over time this feeling built up and two years later I had left and was never going back.

There was some euphoria, some utter terror and a lot of worry. I was the happiest I had been in years though, and I have been growing happier since. But I still cycle. Some days I’m good. Some days I’m bad. Since I have lived with this for a few years now, there are a couple of things I have learned from being possibly bipolar.

  1. It will pass. Whenever the dark cloud gathers and everything seems deary and the world feels like a terrible place. I remember…it will pass. Eventually I will be feeling normal again and life will go on.
  2. Something might be wrong. Often when I get depressed, especially for an extended period of time, it is a clear indication that some part of my life is not right. Perhaps there is a decision I’m putting off, or maybe I’m busy doing something I really should not be doing. In any case, it is a clear sign for me to pay attention and resolve the matter.
  3. An incredible amount of energy will probably be released when I come out of it. I find sometimes that after the dark cloud passes, I’m suddenly hit with epiphany after epiphany or I have a manic sense of creativity and productivity.
  4. Use the energy you have. I have learned to work with what I have. If I am dark and agsty, I would channel that energy into making some art, or making something cool. Or gather all that dark energy and focus it into work and being productive.
  5. Don’t take it too personally. I look at it like the weather. It is not something I have an incredible amount of control over. I wake up and realise am depressed. I don’t take it personally, I don’t feel bad about it. I sit with it, I let it be, I move about my life regardless.

 

The other week, I had just come off from a 6 week stretch of ups and downs. I had been depressed more than often. I felt myself getting depressed again and I got pissed and said to myself, ‘fuck that, I’m not going to be depressed anymore’. I seem to have been fine since. Its not a cake walk everyday, but I focus on what must get done and push on those. It seems to work.